soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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