We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Randomize
