if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
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