my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
