Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
