i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
