When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Randomize
