my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
