I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
