woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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