I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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