I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
