i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
