I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i already hear my dad disowning me
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
