twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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