so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
