You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
