did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
