Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
