um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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