Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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