the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Dick very happy bro
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
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