you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
