Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
