Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
