I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
