i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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