i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
