He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
