My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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