We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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