before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
