hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
