I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
