I want to have your abortion
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
