you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
