everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
