I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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