You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
