No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
