thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
