so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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