it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
