Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
