Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
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