don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
