After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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