The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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