well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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