How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
