I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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