hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
